Desire Paths

I recently met up with a friend for coffee and one of the things that struck me while we yapped away was her saying, ‘It seems to me that you’ve been intentionally taking a break from illustration,’ which I found interesting, because I hadn't really thought much about it. I never intended to, it just kind of happened. The jobs dried up, I was burnt out, and quite frankly tired of moping around, and begging for someone to hire me. With zero prospect of illustration work coming in, I started questioning if illustration was for me, if my work had any value, heck if I had any value outside of my work, and I hated that it made feel that way. So before the dark hand of rejection could really take hold of me, I decided to try to pull myself out of despair.

First, I was going to find a day job, even if it meant taking time away from my art practice. In a perfect world, I would never have to think about money. I could just make everything I wanted, spend infinite time with the people I love, and not worry about how I was going to pay my bills. Despite moving back in with my parents, I knew it wasn’t a free for all. I would still need to pull my weight, help them out, and that meant getting a job. So I did.

Second, I needed to grieve. Grieve the life I thought I would have by now. Grieve the possibility that working in the industry I love may not be viable for me or at least not look the way I imagined. Grieve the fact that maybe what I thought I wanted might not actually be what I wanted after all.

Third, expand my vision of what I want my life to be. What does that even look like? How do I even get there? Well, doing a bunch of side-quests. That meant trying new things. Following through on things I said I’d always try but made excuses to not for fear of embarrassing myself. Be scared and courageously go for it. Exposure therapy. A fuck-it, we ball mentality. So that’s what I’ve been doing: saying yes to things I would normally say no to like going to a Muay Thai class. Saying yes to teaching workshops (I’m deeply afraid of public speaking), volunteering at a community farm, responding to a DM from a hot boy and saying yes to a date request. Embracing starting over again and again.

What I’m learning from this big life reroute is that sometimes the things you want in life may look different from how you imagined. I always felt like being a working artist and having a day job was some kind of failure. To be taken seriously, I had to completely pursue art and only art. Turns out it’s not the end of the world if I don’t and my heart is still beating louder than ever, even though I’m not drawing every minute of the day. And when I do draw, I don’t feel bad about it. It actually feels like how it did before it became my career, and I think that’s a good thing.

I don’t know exactly where this year is leading yet, but maybe that’s the point. Maybe I’m just making a desire path. Those unofficial paths people create when they stop following the intended route and instead walk where it feels right. Right now, this feels right.

Some things I’ve enjoyed lately…

• Luring my friends into the BTS fandom.

• This album: Forest as an Observer by Jeon Yoodong

• This show: Beef season 2 (Charles Melton you will always be famous!)

• FLAN!

• Romanticising the GO train

• A little zine I bought visiting The Plumb (an art gallery in Toronto) with my friend called Mechanical Time by Captain Boyer

Until next time! <3